Flying Monkeys: The Hidden Enablers of Narcissistic Abuse

A woman finally decides to go no contact with her mother after years of emotional manipulation, guilt trips, and boundary violations.

A week later, her phone rings. It's her aunt. The aunt sounds concerned.

"Your mum is absolutely devastated. She's been crying every day. Whatever happened, surely it can't be that bad."

The aunt doesn't ask what happened and she doesn't ask how her niece is coping.

She doesn't ask why such a drastic step became necessary.

Instead, the entire conversation revolves around the mother's pain.

The survivor hangs up feeling confused, guilty, and emotionally drained.

For a moment, she starts questioning herself.

Was she too harsh?

Should she call?

Has she made a mistake?

This is often how flying monkeys operate. Not through obvious aggression or direct abuse but through subtle pressure, emotional manipulation, guilt, obligation, and influence that pulls survivors back towards the very dynamics they are trying to escape.

For many survivors, flying monkeys can be one of the most painful parts of recovery.

While the narcissist's behaviour may eventually become predictable, the involvement of friends, relatives, colleagues, and even trusted family members can feel like a second betrayal.

What Is a Flying Monkey?

The term "flying monkey" comes from the winged monkeys in The Wizard of Oz who carried out the Wicked Witch's instructions.

In narcissistic abuse recovery, a flying monkey is a person who knowingly or unknowingly acts on behalf of the narcissist.

They may:

• Deliver messages

• Apply pressure

• Gather information

• Defend the narcissist

• Challenge your boundaries

• Encourage reconciliation

• Spread misinformation

• Minimise your experiences

Some flying monkeys fully understand what they are doing. Others genuinely believe they are helping.

The impact on survivors, however, can be remarkably similar.

A boundary becomes harder to maintain.

Doubt begins to creep in.

The survivor feels isolated and unsupported.

Recovery becomes more complicated.

Why Narcissists Recruit Flying Monkeys

Narcissists often rely on external validation and control.

When someone begins setting boundaries, reducing contact, or leaving altogether, that control is threatened.

Flying monkeys help restore it.

Think of a narcissistic system like a spider's web.

The narcissist sits at the centre.

The flying monkeys help maintain the strands.

If one strand breaks, others are sent to repair it.

Flying monkeys may help narcissists:

• Regain access to a survivor

• Gather information

• Preserve their public image

• Create guilt and obligation

• Avoid accountability

• Reinforce their version of events

This is particularly common in families, workplaces, social groups, and co-parenting situations where the narcissist already has established relationships and influence.

Why Flying Monkeys Often Believe They Are Helping

One of the hardest realities for survivors is recognising that many flying monkeys do not see themselves as part of the problem.

They may genuinely believe they are helping.

They may think they are:

• Keeping the peace

• Supporting family unity

• Helping reconciliation

• Reducing conflict

• Protecting someone vulnerable

Unfortunately, good intentions do not automatically create healthy outcomes.

A person can mean well and still undermine your emotional safety.

Many survivors become trapped trying to determine whether someone is "good" or "bad."

A more useful question is:

Can this person safely respect my boundaries and reality?

If the answer is no, then their intentions become less relevant than their behaviour.

The Different Types of Flying Monkeys

Flying monkeys come in many forms.

Understanding the different types can help survivors recognise them more quickly.

The Concerned Relative

The aunt who phones after no contact.

The cousin who says: "Your mother is heartbroken." "Life's too short."

These relatives often receive only the narcissist's version of events.

They genuinely believe they are helping to repair a family rift.

The survivor, however, often experiences overwhelming guilt and pressure.

Healthy Response

"I appreciate your concern, but this decision wasn't made lightly. I'm not discussing the details, and I'd appreciate you respecting my choice."

The Mutual Friend

After leaving a toxic relationship, a friend reaches out.

"They're really struggling."

"They miss you."

"Maybe you could meet and talk."

The friend sees themselves as a peacemaker.

The survivor feels pulled back towards a relationship they worked hard to leave.

Healthy Response

"I understand you're trying to help, but reconnecting isn't something I'm considering. I'd appreciate not receiving messages on their behalf."

The Workplace Messenger

A toxic manager is challenged.

A colleague approaches.

"Just a heads-up, the boss thinks you've been a bit negative recently."

The colleague may believe they are being helpful.

In reality, they are carrying messages designed to create self-doubt and compliance.

Healthy Response

"Thank you. If there are concerns about my work, I'd prefer they are addressed directly through the appropriate channels."

The Family Pressure Campaign

Several relatives independently say:

"She's still your mother."

"You only get one family."

"Can't you just move on?"

It sounds like multiple opinions.

Often, however, the narcissist has been carefully shaping the narrative behind the scenes.

Emotional Impact

Survivors begin feeling outnumbered.

They may question their decisions despite having valid reasons for their boundaries.

The Religious Flying Monkey

A church member, spiritual leader, or religious relative encourages reconciliation regardless of circumstances.

"Forgiveness is important."

"Families should stay together."

"God wants reconciliation."

Spiritual principles become weaponised.

Boundaries become reframed as moral failures.

Healthy Response

"My decision is about emotional safety, not revenge. Reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same thing."

The Child Used as a Flying Monkey

This is one of the most distressing forms.

Following separation or divorce, a narcissistic parent may ask:

"Who has been visiting?"

"What did Mum say about me?"

"Has Dad got a new partner?"

The child often has no understanding of what is happening. They become an information source.

Emotional Impact

The survivor may feel violated, angry, protective, and helpless all at once.

Healthy Response

Avoid involving the child further.

Document concerns if necessary and maintain age-appropriate boundaries.

The Social Media Scout

Someone who rarely interacts suddenly becomes highly interested in your online activity.

Stories are viewed. Old posts are liked.

Information somehow finds its way back to the narcissist.

These individuals often frame their behaviour as curiosity. In reality, they function as intelligence gatherers.

Healthy Response

Adjust privacy settings.

Limit access.

Share less with people you do not fully trust.

The Peacemaker

A sibling says:

"Can you just apologise so everyone can move on?"

This person often wants relief from conflict rather than genuine resolution.

They are not seeking fairness. They are seeking comfort.

The easiest route is often asking the survivor to surrender their boundary.

Emotional Impact

Many survivors feel deeply unseen.

The focus shifts from addressing harmful behaviour to restoring appearances.

The Character Witness

A friend says:

"I've never seen that side of them."

"They've always been lovely to me."

This can be incredibly invalidating.

Narcissists frequently maintain different personas for different audiences.

Someone else's positive experience does not cancel out yours.

Healthy Response

"I'm glad you've had a different experience. Unfortunately, my experience has been very different."

The Emergency Messenger

Months after no contact:

"Your father's health isn't great."

"What if something happened tomorrow?"

"You'll regret not speaking to them."

Fear, obligation, and guilt become the vehicle through which boundaries are challenged.

Healthy Response

You are allowed to make decisions based on your wellbeing rather than pressure.

Urgency does not automatically erase years of harmful behaviour.

Signs You Are Dealing With a Flying Monkey

You may be dealing with a flying monkey if someone:

• Repeatedly relays messages from the narcissist

• Pushes for reconciliation without understanding the situation

• Gathers personal information and passes it on

• Minimises your experiences

• Prioritises family harmony over emotional safety

• Uses guilt, obligation, or fear

• Defends the narcissist's behaviour

• Encourages you to abandon boundaries

The most important question is not:

"Are they a flying monkey?"

The most important question is:

Can I trust them with my emotional safety?

The Hidden Impact on Recovery

Many survivors describe flying monkeys as more painful than the narcissist.

Why?

Because expectations are different.

The narcissist is expected to behave narcissistically.

The sibling.

The friend.

The parent.

The aunt.

They were supposed to be safe.

Flying monkeys can create:

• Self-doubt

• Isolation

• Anxiety

• Grief

• Loss of trust

• Delayed healing

• Trauma bond reinforcement

Many survivors discover they have lost an entire system, not just one relationship.

As one survivor described:

"The hardest part wasn't losing them. It was losing everyone who came with them."

Creating Your Circle of Safety

One of the most powerful recovery tools is identifying your circles of trust.

Inner Circle

People who consistently respect your boundaries.

You can share personal experiences safely.

These individuals earn trust through behaviour.

Middle Circle

People you like but who have not yet earned complete trust.

You share limited information.

Nothing deeply personal.

Outer Circle

People who have demonstrated they cannot safely hold sensitive information.

This is where flying monkeys belong.

Conversations remain surface level.

Think weather, hobbies, general updates.

Nothing that can be weaponised.

Many survivors find this framework transformative because it removes the pressure to decide whether someone is completely in or completely out.

Not everyone needs full access to your life.

Scripts Survivors Can Use

When Someone Pushes Reconciliation

"I appreciate your concern, but my decision isn't open for discussion."

When Someone Relays Messages

"I'd prefer not to receive messages through other people."

When Someone Minimises Your Experience

"I understand your experience of them was different from mine."

When Someone Requests Information

"I'm keeping that part of my life private."

When Someone Uses Guilt

"I understand your perspective. My decision remains the same."

When Someone Repeatedly Violates Boundaries

"I've explained my position several times. If it continues, I'll need to end this conversation."

When It May Be Time to Disengage Completely

Not every relationship can be maintained.

Sometimes the flying monkey becomes so committed to the narcissistic system that healthy interaction becomes impossible.

Consider disengagement when someone consistently:

• Violates your boundaries

• Shares your private information

• Pressures you to reconnect

• Undermines your recovery

• Creates ongoing emotional distress

You are not required to keep access open simply because someone is family.

Relationships require trust.

Trust requires behaviour.

Frequently Asked Questions

Are flying monkeys always narcissists?

No. Many are not narcissistic themselves. Some are manipulated, misinformed, conflict-avoidant, or trauma bonded.

Do flying monkeys know what they are doing?

Sometimes. Some act deliberately. Others genuinely believe they are helping.

Should I explain myself to flying monkeys?

Occasionally a brief explanation may help. Repeated explanations rarely change entrenched beliefs.

Can a flying monkey change?

Yes. Some eventually recognise the manipulation and step away from the narcissistic system.

Is it okay to go no contact with a flying monkey?

Yes. If someone repeatedly undermines your wellbeing, reducing or ending contact may be appropriate.

Flying monkeys are people who knowingly or unknowingly assist a narcissist by delivering messages, gathering information, applying pressure, or encouraging reconciliation. They may be family members, friends, colleagues, religious figures, or even children caught in unhealthy dynamics. Although many believe they are helping, their actions often undermine survivors' boundaries and recovery. Learning to recognise flying monkeys, establish healthy boundaries, limit information sharing, and build trusted support networks can significantly improve emotional safety and healing after narcissistic abuse.

Final Thoughts

One of the hardest lessons in recovery is accepting that not everyone who loves you can protect you.

Some people are deeply conditioned by the same system. Some are conflict avoidant. Some are manipulated.

Some simply cannot tolerate the discomfort that healthy boundaries create.

Their limitations are not a reflection of your reality.

You do not need unanimous agreement to protect your peace.

You do not need everyone to understand your story before you honour it.

Healing often begins when you stop handing your experiences over for approval and start trusting what you have already lived through.

The people who genuinely support your recovery will not demand access to your boundaries. They will respect them.

Build your circle carefully, protect your emotional safety and trust your reality.

Healthy relationships never require you to sacrifice yourself in order to maintain them.

We explore the behaviour of flying monkeys and the impact on survivors in more detail in the latest episode of our podcast, Strings Attached. You can listen here: Podcasts | Narcissist Recovery

You can also subscribe to our mailing list for weekly updates, resources and support: Connect | Narcissist Recovery