The Spark

 Recognising the impact of narcissistic abuse

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A fire ignites

'Awareness & realisation'

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What is 'the spark' stage of recovery? 

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Stage 1 (“The Spark”) is the phase of newfound awareness. Survivors begin to realise the relationship was abusive, often feeling shock, denial, confusion — and at the same time, relief at finally naming the problem.

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The first step in the healing journey is the stage of awareness or 'The Spark', where survivors begin to realise that something in their relationship or environment is profoundly amiss. This stage is characterised by a confusing mix of emotions including shock, denial, confusion, and even relief, as the realisation dawns that the patterns of behaviour a survivor has endured might not be normal. 

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Common feelings in Stage 1 of healing from narcissistic abuse 

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• Shock & disbelief

• Denial of abuse

• Seeking validation

• Hypervigilance

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Many survivors experience a state of shock at first. They find themselves caught in a whirlwind of feelings—feeling both overwhelmed yet relieved that they have an explanation for the narcissist's behaviour.

 

At this stage, an interaction with the narcissist often forces them into a kind of fight/flight mode. In this mode the survivor's nervous system will move in to an over stimulated response, increasing heart rate and pushing stress hormones around the body. In fight mode, the survivor may find themselves engaging in an argument with the narcissist. Alternatively, in flight mode, survivors may retreat emotionally or physically from the situation. 

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As the realisation slowly takes hold, survivors begin to question behaviours and spot red flags that they had previously dismissed. They start to notice patterns of toxic behaviour - spotting the subtle but persistent gaslighting, and the way their feelings are trivialised or dismissed. For instance, a survivor might recall specific moments where they were made to feel excessively guilty or responsible for another’s emotional state and other manipulative behaviour. 

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This phase is often marked by an intense period of research. Survivors turn to books, online articles, forums, and Google searches to find answers and confirm their suspicions. They may find themselves desperately seeking to diagnose the situation, comparing their experiences with documented behaviours and case studies. Every piece of information can feel like a revelation, either reinforcing their concerns or, at times, creating further confusion. It is common during this stage to look for confirmation from various sources, including talking to friends or family. However, these conversations can be fraught with difficulties. Some loved ones may dismiss or downplay the severity of the behaviours, leaving the survivor feeling even more isolated and misunderstood. 

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This need for validation often leads to a state of hypervigilance, where the survivor begins to collect evidence and examples of the abusive behaviour. They might keep journals, take screenshots of messages, or recall specific incidents that highlight the manipulation and control they have been subjected to. While this can be empowering, it is also a painful process, as it forces them to confront the reality of their situation. 

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During The Spark stage, many survivors struggle with accepting that what they have been experiencing truly qualifies as abuse. They may cling to the hope that these behaviours are simply quirks or misunderstandings rather than systematic patterns of emotional manipulation. This is partly because recognising abuse means accepting that someone they once trusted has consistently undermined their sense of self-worth. Consequently, survivors might initially resist labelling the situation as abusive. Instead, they are often stuck in a limbo of denial, where they acknowledge that something is not right, but refuse to accept the full implications of the abuse. 

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As this stage progresses, survivors may find that their trust in those close to them begins to wane. They might stop confiding in friends or family members, either because they fear not being believed or because past attempts at discussing these issues have only led to further isolation. This breakdown in trust can lead them to shut down emotionally around those they once relied upon, as they become more determined to understand the dynamics of their relationship independently. 

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Ultimately, this stage is a crucial turning point. It is the moment when survivors begin to step back from the chaos, assess the patterns, and realise that what they have endured is not acceptable. Although it is fraught with emotional turmoil and uncertainty, this stage lays the foundation for setting boundaries and embarking on a path towards recovery. Recognising that something is fundamentally wrong is the first and most important step towards healing.

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​​​Tips and techniques during this stage​​

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Navigating this stage can feel overwhelming, but there are several practical tips and techniques that can help you manage the emotional turbulence and begin your journey towards healing. 

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