Why We Might Be Attracted to a Narcissist as a Partner: Understanding the Patterns of Behaviour

Attraction to a narcissist is one of those things that’s hard to understand until you’ve been in that kind of relationship. Even then, it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly why you stayed or what drew you in. Many people find themselves in relationships with narcissists, even when they recognise the toxic behaviours and their damaging effects. But why does this happen? Why do we often find ourselves attracted to narcissistic partners, even when the signs are glaringly obvious? 🤔 

In this blog, we’ll explore the unconscious patterns of behaviour that make us vulnerable to narcissistic relationships and how you can start to understand and break free from these toxic cycles. Understanding the psychology behind why we’re drawn to narcissistic partners is the first step in healing and avoiding these relationships in the future. 

🧠 The Unconscious Patterns of Attraction to Narcissists 

Attraction to a narcissistic partner often stems from unconscious patterns that have been learned over time, particularly in childhood. Many of these patterns can be difficult to identify, but once understood, they offer powerful insight into why narcissists tend to attract certain individuals. Understanding these psychological triggers is essential for breaking the cycle of narcissistic attraction and creating healthier, more balanced relationships. 💖 

Here’s a closer look at why we might find ourselves drawn to narcissistic partners, even when we know they’re not good for us: 

1. 🌪 The Familiarity of Chaos: Growing Up with Emotional Volatility 

If you grew up in an emotionally unpredictable environment, chaos can start to feel strangely familiar. Narcissistic behaviour is often characterised by emotional highs and lows, love-bombing, manipulation, and sudden withdrawals of affection, creating a volatile emotional landscape. 🔥 

When we are used to emotional volatility in our home environment, we may unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror those dynamics. This pattern is especially prevalent in individuals who grew up with narcissistic or emotionally unavailable parents. The relationship with a narcissist often starts with an idealisation phase—where the partner showers you with attention, affection, and compliments—which feels exhilarating at first. 🌟 But as time passes, the narcissist withdraws, turning cold and distant, and the cycle of emotional highs and lows begins. 

Because these behaviours are familiar, it can be difficult to break free or even recognise them for what they are. When love feels like a rollercoaster, it can be hard to resist the emotional highs, even though the lows are just as intense. 

2. 💘 The Promise of Perfection and the Fear of Abandonment 

Narcissists often charm their way into a partner’s life by offering what seems like perfect love and attention. During the love-bombing phase, they make their partner feel special, important, and adored. This idealised affection can make the partner feel like they've found their perfect match, and the relationship can feel intoxicating at first. 🥰 

However, this love is not unconditional—it’s transactional. It’s based on what the narcissist wants: control, admiration, or validation. Once they have you hooked, their behaviour shifts. They may turn cold, critical, or emotionally distant, which can leave you feeling confused and desperate to regain their affection. 💔 

The fear of abandonment plays a significant role in keeping people trapped in these relationships. You may hold on to the hope that the narcissist will return to the "loving" version of themselves, but the reality is that this version of them is fleeting and unreliable. This cycle of idealisation and devaluation can be emotionally exhausting. 💥 

3. ❤️ The Emotional Investment: The Desire to Fix Them 

One of the strongest reasons people stay in narcissistic relationships is the belief that they can fix or change their partner. Narcissists are often highly manipulative and will present themselves as needing help or validation, triggering the partner’s caregiving instincts. 💪 

In these situations, the partner may feel emotionally responsible for the narcissist’s happiness, believing that with enough care, love, and attention, they can improve the relationship. However, narcissists rarely change. Their need for control and validation tends to outweigh any desire for emotional growth or self-improvement. Instead, they manipulate their partner into believing they are the problem, which shifts the focus away from the narcissist’s behaviour. 🌀 

This emotional investment can leave the partner drained and exhausted, as they continuously try to fix problems that can never be fully resolved. The narcissist remains unchanged, and the partner sacrifices their own well-being in the process. 😞 

4. 🔗 The Trauma Bond: Why Leaving Feels Impossible 

One of the most challenging aspects of a narcissistic relationship is the formation of a trauma bond. A trauma bond develops when a toxic or abusive relationship is interspersed with moments of affection, care, or attention. These intermittent positive moments can create a confusing attachment to the abuser, making it incredibly hard for the victim to leave. 💔 

The narcissist’s emotional highs and lows may make you feel attached to them. You might begin to believe that the few moments of kindness and affection are signs of real love, making it even harder to see the narcissist for who they truly are. The combination of emotional abuse and fleeting affection creates a cycle that feels almost impossible to break. 🔄 

Many individuals in a trauma bond will rationalise the narcissist's behaviour, convincing themselves that the person they are with is a good person deep down and that things will get better with time. This denial and rationalisation of the narcissist’s actions only keeps them stuck in the toxic relationship, believing that change is possible when it often isn’t. 🛑 

5. 🌟 The Desire for Validation: When Praise Feels Like Love 

Narcissists are excellent at making their partner feel special, especially in the beginning stages of the relationship. They shower them with attention, praise, and admiration, making them feel like the centre of their world. For people who have struggled with low self-esteem or emotional neglect in the past, the narcissist’s attention can feel like the validation they’ve always craved. ✨ 

However, this validation is often conditional and tied to the narcissist’s needs, rather than being genuine. Once the partner is emotionally invested, the narcissist may begin to pull away or become critical, leaving the partner feeling insecure and desperate for their approval. This creates a constant cycle of seeking validation from the narcissist, even though their approval is unreliable. 😢 

💪 Breaking the Pattern: The Road to Healing 

Attraction to a narcissist can often be the result of unconscious patterns that were formed earlier in life—especially those learned in childhood. Understanding these patterns and recognising them for what they are is crucial in breaking free from toxic relationships. People who have experienced emotional neglect, manipulation, or abuse in childhood are often more vulnerable to attracting narcissistic partners, but this doesn’t mean they are doomed to repeat these patterns forever. 💫 

Here are some steps to break free from the cycle and start the healing process: 

1. Acknowledge the Issue 📚 

Recognising the unhealthy dynamics at play is the first step in healing. Understanding why you are drawn to narcissistic behaviour can help you avoid repeating these patterns in future relationships. 

2. Set Boundaries 🚧 

Setting boundaries is essential to protect your mental and emotional health. Learn to assert your needs and establish firm limits with narcissistic individuals. 

3. Focus on Self-Care 💆‍♀️ 

Take time for yourself. Reconnect with hobbies, friends, and activities that nurture your sense of self. Prioritise your emotional well-being and rebuild your self-worth. 

4. Rebuild Your Self-Worth 🌱 

Engage in activities like mindfulness, therapy, or journaling to reconnect with your true self. Stop basing your worth on external validation and begin to recognise your own value. 

5. Seek Professional Support 🧑‍⚕️ 

Therapy can be incredibly helpful in processing the emotional wounds left by narcissistic relationships. Consider seeking Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or trauma-informed therapy to understand and heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse. 

💫 Conclusion: Breaking Free and Creating Healthy Relationships 

Understanding why we are attracted to narcissistic partners is the first step in breaking free from these toxic relationships. By identifying the unconscious patterns that drive us towards narcissists, we can begin to make healthier choices in future relationships. 

It takes time, effort, and emotional healing, but it is possible to break the cycle of narcissistic attraction. Through self-reflection, setting boundaries, and rebuilding self-worth, you can create a healthier future for yourself. You deserve love that is unconditional, supportive, and empowering. 🌟 

By recognising the signs, acknowledging the unhealthy patterns, and taking action, you can create lasting change and build the healthy relationships you deserve. 🌱 

Explore our Red Flags Checklist, or join our supportive Facebook Group to connect with others on the same healing journey.